8 Things You Should Never Say to Your Husband
One of the best parts about marriage is being so comfortable with your hubby that you can say just about anything to him. But if you dont watch your mouth, sometimes the ugly truth comes out in hurtfulnot helpfulways. Though you may have legitimate concerns to express or issues to bring up, doing so in a harsh manner can be damaging in the long term, to both your husbands feelings and your relationship. According to Judy Ford, psychotherapist and author ofEvery Day Love, Speaking kindly is a skill that couples have to learn. Everyone feels battered by life and the outside world. You shouldnt feel that way at home. Here, nine statements that you should never utter to your significant otherand the words that you should try instead.
1. Yourejustlike your father.
This is just a no-no, says Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker and author ofThe Pathway to Love. Its nasty and belittling, and it gets at his fear that he may be exhibiting the worst traits of his family. If youre about to spout a criticism like this, stop and think about whats behind it: Maybe your father-in-law is the kind of guy who never cleans up after himself, and your husbands habit of leaving dirty dishes around the house is getting to you. According to Ford, you should skip the insult and get right to a reasonable request, such as: Hon, when youre done with your sandwich, can you bring your dish over to the sink? That way, you can achieve your goals without hurting him in the process.
2. When are you going to find a new job?
First, figure out why you want him to find a new job so badly. Do you dislike how much time he spends away from home? Do you think he can or should be further ahead career-wise? Is he not bringing home a healthy-enough salary? Before you say anything that could be hurtful to him, think about what your own issues are, says Ford. Be particularly careful that you're not attacking his ability to support you and the kids: Part of how a man evaluates himself is by how well he can take care of his family, says Ford, so insulting him in this sensitive area can be a serious blow. To avoid this, have regular talks about both of your jobs, career ambitions and budget concerns. If you have an issue with how much money hes making, its an opportunity to talk about your lifestyle and how you want to live, she adds. The aim is to avoid putting him on the defensive, and instead work together to create the life you both want.
3. My mother warned me youd do this!
Something must have seriously infuriated you, because what youre doing here is letting him know that there are others in your camp. You are trying to validate your side of an argument, as though youre marshalling an army to your side, says Orlov. But thats never a good idea because its telling him that youre not onhisside, or on the side of your relationship. Though you should never let the opinions of others dictate your relationship, if there is some kernel of truth to a concern that your mother raised, think about how to address that. Maybe your mother said hes too cheap, says Orlov. Say to him, why do you sometimes seem reluctant to spend money on things we need? Without ganging up on him, that could open up a discussion about money worries that stem from his childhood, for example. Room is now cleared for creative problem-solving, says Orlov. And if youre just lashing out? Hold your tongue and focus on the root of whats making you mad. In the end, coming to a solution together will make you feel better than unleashing hurtful words.
4. Just leave itIll do it myself!
This is hurtful in two ways. First, it gets at your husbands elemental need to be a provider, supporter and capable person in the house. Second, its just plain demeaning for any adult to hear that his efforts are sub-par. Do this too often and your husband might think, I can never do anything right or anything thatll please her, says Ford. A better choice is to pick your battles. If hes in the middle of a task and you think that hes doing it wrong, evaluate whether it really matters, keeping in mind that, just because hes doing something differently than you would doesnt mean that hes doing it wronghe is, after all, an adult too. Sure, if hes about to hurt himself or someone else or break something, kindly step in. But if hes just loading the dishwasher in a way that drives you nuts? Let it be.
5. You always... [fill in the blank] or You never... [fill in the blank]
These are two phrases I advise couples never to use, says Ford, because they set up an instant, negative tone; they halt communication and they put the other person on the defensive. These blanket statements can make your husband feel unfairly attacked, and chances are hell just fire back with all the times hedidhelp. If there are legitimate problems youd like to address (he really does tend to leave his tools all over the garage floor or often forgets to put gas in the car after driving it), avoid generalizing and try to focus on the issue at hand while also communicating how his actions make you feel: When you come home with an empty tank of gas, I feel like you don't care about the next person who has to drive the carwhich is usually me. Then add the phrase would you be willing..., suggests Ford. Try: Would you be willing to fill up the car when it gets below a quarter tank? Most men are willing to do most anything thatll make you happyits all in how you ask.
6. Do you really think those pants are flattering?
Are you trying to hint that hes putting on weight? Because saying the above, says Ford, is not getting anything concrete across. You may think that youre subtly conveying the message, but instead youre insulting his looks without showing any genuine concern for his health. Instead, start with something you like about how he looks: When you wear that blue shirt, it really makes me appreciate your gorgeous blue eyes. Then broach the topic of his weight gain by framing the comment so its about his health, not looks: Honey, what do you think about us both starting after-dinner walks? When youve softened up your approach, you have more room to make other, helpful suggestions.
7. Ugh, were hanging out withhimagain?
Theres nothing wrong with your guy having a friend whose company you dont loveno one says spouses are required to adore each others friends, especially that one college pal who likes to pretend he and your hubby never left the frat house. What is wrong is insulting your mans choice of friends. Your disdain may also suggest that youd prefer to pick his friends for himand no one wants to be told who they should be pals with. A better choice: Oh, honey, you know I dont always enjoy doing the same things as you and George, so why dont you plan a guys night instead? suggests Ford. Remember, theres no marriage rule that says you two have to do everything together; he might actually be relieved to have a little guy time with his pal that doesn't involve him having to worry if youre having fun or are offended by his friends jokes. (And keep this in mind: If a friend is really awful, your husband is much more likely to see that on his own, over time, whereas if you nag him to drop the dolt it may never happen.)
8. Please watch the kids. But dont do this, take them here or forget that...
This is a classic nervous-new-mom move: When youre in anxiety mode, it can be hard to let go of childcare tasks (even though you would love to have more help). Its also an attitude that can become a habit no matter how long youve been a mom, leading to some very unhealthy feelings: You may become resentful because he doesnt pitch in, but you dont always give him room to, either. At the end of the day, no husband is going to be inspired to be a better, more hands-on and involved dad if his every effort is shot down, says Orlov. If he always feels like hes wrong, hell only start to disconnect emotionally. So let Dad be Dad. Trust that he knows as well as you do how to keep a child clean, safe and fedeven if his definitions of those tasks are slightly different than your own. That said, if there are things he needs to know, like how to use the stroller or what the pediatricians phone number is, definitely give him the rundown.
Thanks & Regards, Raj. Kumar (Courtesy goes toDenise Schipani/Womens' day & other websites)
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